channeling anger

Each night before I go to bed (if it's not too late by then) i try and read a few chapters from either of the books i'm reading.  every time i come across an interesting passage i write it down to sit and reflect on how it relates to me in some way (maybe i should do this with the bible also?)

Last night in one of my books, the book quoted another book with the following passage:

The Rainbow - D.H. Lawrence

He was in an agony of helplessness.  He could do nothing.  Vaguely he knew the huge powers of the world rolling and crashing together, darkly, clumsily, stupidly, yet colossal so that one was brushed along almost as dust.  Helpless, helpless, swirling like dust, yet he wanted so badly to rebel, to rage, to fight, but with what?  Could he, with his hands, fight the face of the Earth, beat the hills in their place?  Yet his heart wanted to fight, to fight the whole world.  And these two small hands were all he had to do it with.

Yes, clearly there is still a lot of anger brooding inside of me.  The act of betrayal and deceit coupled along with toying with my emotions and good intentions for who knows how long all boils down to just anger and my unrelenting rage against how unfair this world can be.  I've learned that the more things try to change the truth of the matter is it will stay the same.  I guess I wanted to believe the person was better than that; that the lesson was learned 4 years ago when something similar was done in a much smaller scale.  That person knew what it brought me to and yet still found the means to think it was okay to do it but to a greater degree.

I haven't found a way to channel my anger inside of me.  I guess you could say i've just grown to suppress it for the most part in order to get through the day to day actions in life.  eat, sleep, work, ella, cleaning, organizing, paying bills, or trying to learn new things here and there.  All of it right now just seems like a way to suppress what seethes within me.  I try and think of what i've done in the past.  how did i handle this rage before?  i know i used to have a punching bag, and it helped when i pictured faces on the bag; both anger releasing and getting physically fit.  going to the driving range and picturing the faces on the balls as i drove down big bertha mightily and smacked it clearly 150 to 200 yards out.  not caring whether the ball was sliced or not, it's not like i ever really intend to pay the amount to actually go out onto the course and play a few rounds.  then there was a few weeks ago at the batting cages.  many of you don't know this but I used to play little league baseball and of all places i used to play it was actually in her new neighborhood right now (funny how things work out that way huh?)  well throughout all of little league, for the one season i played, i was never ever good at hitting the baseball.  i was hesitant, late to commit, and more often then naught struck out.  maybe i was scared.  maybe i was praying for a walk, or rather, settling for a walk instead of going for the hit.  maybe i'm not just talking about baseball anymore but let's leave that for another post someday.  so in the batting cages, the trend would continue and my batting average was the same 18 years ago until this time.  this time everything seemed to slow down.  this time i could see little bits of everything about him or her in each of the balls and with the swing of my bad i crushed the ball into the home run section.  the next ball came, and i crushed it again, and again.  therapeutic it seemed, although it does get pretty expensive.  more expensive than say the other two physical activities i listed above to channel the anger.

and yet it is still there.  i have dreams (or maybe you could call it nightmares) of shouting at the top of my lungs everything that is wrong with either of them.  i could still do it today, but what for?  i'm slowly coming to realize that whatever i say or whatever i do will fall on deaf ears; and why even give them the benefit of knowing what is wrong with each of them?  giving them the opportunity to grow; rather the better option is to let them be stuck with where they are and even worse, with eachother.  for they deserve eachother and everything that is coming their way.  that much i know for sure and yet i still can't find a way to fix what's eating me up inside.  the pain, the sadness, and the anger all mix together and often times feel like a pyroclastic flow building stronger and more devastating as it rolls down the mountain.

time heals i guess.  i'm not pathetic like they are and just latch on to the next thing to come along to erase the chance to learn from my mistakes.  don't get me wrong, i was before obviously, with her and look where that got me.  that's really all it was.  a mistake.  maybe that is where the anger truly stems from.  fooling myself into thinking this mistake was actually more than what it could be; trying to see the good in something that never really deserved that much attention to begin with.  i'll leave that for another post when i'm a bit more ready to reflect on this topic.

before i digress any further i guess it's time to do a little cleaning around the house.  every time i clean i tell myself, trash belongs where the other trash is already found, in the garbage.  i guess it's only fitting that those two live right next to the county dump as well.  rightfully so..... rightfully.... so....