i'm not really sure where i'm going to go with this post, but i'm stuck here at work and the NFL draft just ended and i'm left with my thoughts to myself while listening to music and anticipating the results on whether my design was correct or not.
life has definitely taken interesting twists and turns this past year. so many things have happened that i don't think i've fully grasped everything that's been going on in my life. from being ripped back into the world of single-life, not without the drama and emotions involved in it; starting a new job and a brave new world (understand this is the first time i've ever switched jobs so it was sort of a big thing for me) to just trying to not really re-invent myself but to rediscover a few things about myself in this past year.
Friends
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I've said it so many times and perhaps more-so lately how much i value the special individuals in my life that i can honestly say are my true friends. the number doesn't really matter because i don't believe in dick-measuring to say i have more friends than someone else; why do people even have to compare? i've noticed from some acquaintances (and notice why i'm careful to even call these certain individuals my friends) that there comes this inherent wont or desire to have external validation for their very existence. i question if i fall into this category sometimes. i mean, i do after all have this blog where i put my thoughts onto these posts for any and all to read; but i don't necessarily take pride into knowing if people read this or not. perhaps my greatest fan that actually reads my blog that i actually care about is myself. i'll admit to several (and maybe more often than i care to admit) that i go back and read my old posts; mainly to see how far i've come as an individual and recall the different moments in my life along the way. even something as simple as a gap in my blog posts says a lot about the person who i was back then. maybe i didn't have many things going on during that time; or chances are i was in a poisonous relationship where everything said, done, written, or posted was scrutinized as to some negative or ill-will feeling towards the other person (yeah.... we all know what that is.... INSE-FUCKING-CURITY... but i digress.......)
actually i digresssed a bit too far from this section of this post. My friends. I absolutely love my friends but you ever get the feeling that sometimes your friends don't mix? Actually I have noticed two outcomes that usually arise when i have different groups of friends meet eachother.
Scenario A) They have nothing in common with one another. Now when this occurs i sometimes sit and wonder why that could be. i'm obviously friends with both sides and yet they go together like water and oil. they say that the friends you have are an extension of who you are so when i notice two groups with little to no chemistry with one another i wonder if i'm a bit like that on the inside as well. are there parts of me that just don't get along with eachother? how is that even possible if i'm just me and i would have to get along with myself only because otherwise this wouldn't work at all. i don't know if i dislike the fact or revel in it because it shows that i do have range in the types of people i hang out with. who is the real me? well, actually they all are. given the mood, the type of people i'm with, and the social setting i'm presented, i find that i do in fact change or adapt to it. is that a good thing or a bad thing? should you be the same at all times no matter where you are? are each moments of "adaptation" just a lie or a front of the person you may actually be? in fact, i am a large anti-social wallflower that could spend an entire party just sitting on the couch keeping himself completely entertained with whatever is in front of him. maybe the question of identity does arise when i notice the different types of friends i have and choose to be around with.
Senario B) They in fact have more things in common with eachother than each of them have with me. This scenario makes me laugh all the time whenever it occurs because usually the few things that that the two groups of friends have in common with one another are usually the things that i are completely different between me and each of the friends. It's in these situations that i jokingly say "why are we even friends?" or maybe i should just learn to accept and succumb to whatever it is my friends are into. maybe if i wasn't so stubborn i would and probably should venture out and try new things...
i have friends that i love and at the same time i've found friends that have fallen on the wayside. for whatever reasons; but the majority of the time it's usually because i realized one day the maturity or perspective differences between me and a certain individual has grown to an extent that we just no longer see eye to eye. Am i sad by it? sometimes I am and sometimes i'm not. i think i've grown a very "acceptable" attitude as of late; and come to terms with the fact that you can't fight change. everyone changes, for better or worse, and who are we to judge what is actually better OR worse? we just change and changing to a point where we no longer see eye to eye is just the way the world works. nothing to really be sad about it; it just is what it is... i'm not being cold or trying to objectify my friends in any way; i'm just someone who is done trying to fight change in his lifetime. change happens all around us and i guess my "creature of habit" nature tends to always try and fight against what may seem like in my control but in actuality are completely outside of it.
i would love to go on and on about this but the whole purpose of coming back to this is so i could finally publish this damn post.... maybe i'll go into it a little bit more when i have more free time and yet below there's a whole 'nother course of things i can and probably will dive in to once i get some time to sit down for myself....
Family
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Work
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Relationships
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Life in General
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